Today sucked. I wrote that (but with more verbosity) on facebook. One colleague/friend said that she heard I was a great teacher. In response, I wrote:
my weltschmerz is not due to me questioning my teaching abilities, actually. i’ve grown out of that first year trap. right now it’s all about the school bureaucracy, the time sinks we’re asked to sit through, the faux reflectiveness which never is seriously intellectual nor tangible. what i want is for the powers that be to say “you’re more than competent, you have taken a role in the larger school community, so we will leave you and your time alone so you can do what you do best. we’ll lay off and give you support when you need it, because you’re a team player and you support us and the larger community.”
I got home, feeling like (a) I’ve had this feeling for a long time, (b) that I didn’t have it last year, and (c) that I hope it isn’t that dreaded second-year burnout. I hope it’s just one long-day burnout. I LOVE TEACHING. But at this particular moment in time, I feel like I’m treading water and that I’m being foiled from all sides by nonsense, keeping me from doing what I know I could do so much better if just left alone.
I need to be let free, given my independence, so that I can fly.
So my question for you is:
I bet that I need to sleep this off. I’ll probably wake up with perfectly coifed hair; I’ll bound out of bed, and two little cartoon birdies will fly around my apartment, picking my clothes and making me breakfast.
UPDATE: Slept it off; feeling much better.