So I’m just going to throw it out there.
Sometimes blogging makes me feel like a fraud.
Here’s why. I’m not an amazing teacher. Most of my lesson plans aren’t exciting. I have lots of ideas but often no follow through to implement them. I plan almost 100% of my lessons the day before I teach them. I don’t use group work effectively. I rarely teach problem solving skills and don’t do honest investigation in anything other than my multivariable calculus class. I keep a teacher-centered classroom. My kids all have laptops and I never use them in class. I pretty much follow the same teaching pattern every day (warm up, homework questions, lecture, stop to practice, lecture, stop to practice). I’m afraid to give up control of the classroom to my kids.
Which are — frankly — all things I’m totally okay with, at this point. Some things I don’t want or care to change. Other things I wish I were farther along in my own personal development. And there are a number of things I know I do really well too. But there you are. That’s where I am at the moment. I’m pretty good, but I’m not amazing. (My own personal assessment, anyway.)
But here’s where feeling like a fraud comes in. Did you really think I led a teacher-centered class every day? Would you have expected me to describe myself as I did above? In other words, if you came to watch me teach, would you see what you expected?
I’m 100% certain (bets, anyone?) that the answer is no.
Two years ago, 328 posts ago, when I started blogging, I was blogging for me alone. But it struck me recently that in the past two years, I had inadvertently been constructing this online persona, post by post. Like: my online blog self is one person and my real life self another? Is it just me? Prolly.
But it’s bothering me that this online persona is so incomplete, possibly a idealized version of what kind of teacher I am in real life.
I honestly do write for me. This place has always been for me, but I know that as opposed to when I first started and I was my only reader, there are now like 5-10 people (oh! kind souls!) who read this blog in addition to me and my super awesome teacher sister. I don’t want to be a fraud to you as I continue to write here. So for you 5-10 people, in case I had somehow drawn myself into some sort of caricature teacher costume, let me just put it out there straight:
I’ve had two years in the classroom. I’m okay at what I do. I love what I strive to do.